I know I should be writing about our Singapore trip, but I just had to share this with you.
Last Monday, someone decided to poke her itty bitty hand inside the electric fan while it was turned on.
I was right beside her when that happened. She asked for her water, so I turned my back to get it for her. Then I heard a loud “NO!” from the bear’s grandmother, then I saw (in slow motion, just like in the movies) Meia put her forefinger inside the fan. I wanted to die when I heard her cry out. It was horrible.
I hugged her and hugged her until she stopped crying. We put betadine on the wound and had her play with water to clean the injury. After 10 minutes or so, the bear was back to her happy self. She didn’t even flinch when we washed her hands with soap.
As for me, I spent the rest of the night moping in bed. Seriously. I remember the first time I had my heart broken, I spent about an hour each day crying (I would time myself so I wouldn’t become too pathetic). After that hour, I would force myself to do normal things for the rest of the day. That was because I poured my heart out to a guy who believed that he had no feelings for me (HAH!). And for Meia’s admittedly small flesh wound? I became completely and utterly useless. My husband (who has since then seen the error of his ways *ahem*) tried to talk to me that night but I was having none of it. I was the one nearest to her, you see, and I could have prevented the whole incident if I only had another pair of eyes on the back of my head. Whatever. I still know I could have done something. But I didn’t. I failed. Fuck me, I am such a bad mother. So I just slept the night away.
It’s been a couple of days and I am feeling a bit better. I still cringe whenever I look at the fan (we already replaced one of them with a bladeless model but the wind isn’t just the same). I still mentally kick myself whenever I see her wound and remember her cries and the tears streaming down her face. I know I don’t suck as a mom, I know I try to give it my best, and things are not always going to go my way. I know that, but I don’t know that, you know what I mean?
I love you my little one. I know I can’t protect you from everything, but I’m sure as hell going to try.